OK. Maybe that title is a little melodramatic, but at times that's what it feels like. In April, if everything goes well, I'll have a daughter. The thought fills me with happiness, longing, fear, and trepidation. Since my motherhood journey has suffered some detours, I've had more than enough time to think (or perhaps stress is the more appropriate word) about my parenting philosophy. I've always known I wanted to raise a daughter to be herself and not be afraid of going after any dream or goal. I've been a feminist my entire adult life, so trying to protect her from gender stereotypes is a natural part of that goal. But I never imagined how hard that might actually be. It's enough to send my GAD skyrocketing through the roof.
To put it metaphorically, I feel like there is a massive pink train driven by princesses with perfect hair bearing down on me, and I feel somewhat powerless to stop it. My first encounter with this came with registering for baby clothes and finding at least 90 percent of all the clothes for girls are pink. Soon I found it wasn't just the clothes, but the toys as well. If my daughter ends up liking pink on her own, then that's fine. I just don't understand why I'm supposed to practically bathe her in pepto bismol from the minute she's born. This forced color-coding of babies led me search out more information on the topic. My first source was Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein. And while I don't wholesale agree with everything Peggy says in her book, most of it makes a lot of sense and makes me a little angry. It starts with the color pink and morphs into princesses, Barbies, Bratz, and a whole ecosystem of playthings that reinforce the message that being pretty is important, while failing to balance that message with the importance of intelligence, honesty, or really any other trait that's needed for success in life.
Granted, I don't expect my daughter's toys to teach about what's important in life. That's my job as a parent, and I whole-heartedly accept that. I just wish there was more out there to help reinforce my views. My husband doesn't quite understand the intensity of my feelings. When having a conversation with him on the topic, he quipped "You played with Barbies and you turned out just fine." Maybe. I am successful and have made my mark in a male-dominated field, but I also struggle with self-confidence, have never been happy with how I look, and have battled anxiety and depression. I'm not trying to lay this all at the feet of the perky blonde doll, but I think it would be foolish to claim that she and the culture surrounding her hasn't played at least a small part.
And this is where the feeling of hopelessness begins to settle in. I'm not foolish enough to believe that I can protect her from everything. It's entirely probable that a well-meaning relative will buy her something with a princess on it. I will probably not have the iron will to deny her a Barbie doll when she laments that she's the only girl at school that doesn't have one. And these situations bring up insecurities about myself. Like, how in the world am I going to teach her to have a positive body image when I don't have one myself? How can I teach her to distinguish being a woman from being beautiful when she'll be bombarded by millions of things that tell her otherwise. It makes me want to cry, but then I find sites like 7Wonderlicious, Princess-Free Zone, or Pink Stinks, and I know I'm not alone. But nothing has given me more hope than this video that I found today (thanks again to Peggy Orenstein!)
"...and here I stand with this sword in my hand." Bring it on!
4 comments:
I agree with all your fears! Raising girls seems so hard in a time when entire toy aisles contain only pink packaging. I consider myself pretty feminine, but I never wore pink as a child and hated dolls. I never had a princess phase. And I lived in neighborhood filled with girls! I think that you'll already be setting a good example of a strong woman, and since you're sensitive to the issue you might be able to avoid the pink saturation. That said, once your daughter is affected by peer pressure, her tastes may go to the pink side.
Thanks, Carrie! I think the reason you never had a princess phase was because the whole "princess" thing is actually a fairly new phenomena. Disney didn't start marketing princesses as a brand until 2000. If you're interested in the topic, I highly recommend reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter. It's got a lot of great information, but it's also written in a sort of cynical, tongue-in-cheek tone that's really entertaining.
I don't know if this will help , but a radio personality Sheri Lynch wrote a book called "Hello! My Name Is Mommy!" A friend of mine read it and said it was something she wished she read before her first child was born 15 years ago. Maybe that might also give you some ideas. I hope that you don't mind the suggestion.
I wouldn't worry too much about trying to force your daughter away from girl's toys as research shows that girls will chose to play with dolls and boys cars and guns.
As a child I was allowed to (within reason) select my own toys and all bar one of my toy selection was considered a "boys toy".
Reward your child for attributes you feel are valuable but allow them to pick her own toys, she might surprise you.
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